Counselling for Intimacy / Sex issues

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Physical connection is what defines you as a couple, and it goes to the heart of what builds trust in your relationship. For romantic relationships, it is like the cement for a building. It is essential to get it right in order to maintain a healthy level of relationship satisfaction. Expressions of affection and sex are the strongest nutrients for a lasting and satisfying relationship.

Even though we all understand how important it is, most couples struggle to get it right. Frustrations in this area are rife and partners tend to keep it to themselves. It tends to be a very private and sore issue. In many cases, they even stop talking about the matter with each other, let alone with others.  Further to this, when they suppress and avoid discussing it, the tension will show up in other ways such as continuous bickering about petty matters.

Partners who are frustrated in their sex life tend to treat the topic with a mix of grief, helplessness, anxiety and shame. These feelings are so overwhelming that they often prefer to avoid discussing it than confronting their vulnerabilities. No doubt, approaching the issue of sex in a relationship will require a lot of courage. For men, this is particularly true because of the role sex plays in the male psyche.  

Marriage Counselling

Partners who are frustrated in their sex life tend to treat the topic with a mix of grief, helplessness, anxiety and shame. These feelings are so overwhelming that they often prefer to avoid discussing it than confronting their vulnerabilities. No doubt, approaching the issue of sex in a relationship will require a lot of courage. For men, this is particularly true because of the role sex plays in the male psyche.  

The role of sex in your  identity as a man is crucial. 

 It defines your worthiness, it preoccupies your mind, it builds tension in your body, and it is a major source of emotions: joy, connection and accomplishment when sex is satisfying;   loneliness, failure, anxiety and shame when it is not so.

In some social circles, obviously mostly women, men are ridiculed for their “obsession” with sex. Indeed, many of the men’s bad behaviours are committed because they fail to regulate this powerful urge. It makes men’s reputation around sex looks bad. This can make men feel shame for their constant desire for sex. Sex is then treated as their secret life.  It makes them want to go ‘underground’ in search of satisfaction (e.g. porn) instead of talking openly to their partner. In many cases, men’s craving for sex is treated by their partners without due consideration or understanding. At times it is even dismissed with disdain, for example “this is your problem, not mine”.

Dating Advice
Intimacy / Sex 4

Gender differences

We need to divert from political correctness and acknowledge that the gender differences are big when it comes to sex. This is not your choice but your nature. As a man you want to own the issue and feel absolutely okay with your preoccupation with sex. This is normal. The accessibility of sex visuals for your eye – sexy women – only work to increase the levels of testosterone and enhance the sexual tension in your body.  

The equivalent process for women is the emotional tension but their desire to release it, through talking, is accepted and welcome cross-culturally. Obviously, it can not be the same for the male’s sexual tension.

Complaints shared by married men

  • She was interested in sex before we had children (or before we married) but no more.
  • She’s always too tired.
  • She just lies there like a log.
  • It’s always up to me to initiate lovemaking.
  • She doesn’t touch me where (or in the way) I like to be touched.
  • She thinks once a week is enough.
  • I have to say exactly the right thing or she’s not interested.
  • She’s too busy for it all day and too tired at night.
  • If I don’t touch her in exactly the right way she turns off.
  • I’m too tired when I get home and she doesn’t want sex in the morning.
  • She keeps saying she’s too fat (she isn’t) and therefore doesn’t feel sexy.
  • Everything has to be ‘just right’ for her to be interested: the time, the mood, what I say. I give up!.
Intimacy / Sex 5

Coping

Sex issues in relationships are hard to discuss because of the shame factor, but they are also incredibly common.Avoidance is a common way to cope with shame but it is your worst strategy. You can not heal by avoiding. To desensitise the shame, you need to engage with the topic in a mature healthy way: read, watch and talk to people. The more you talk to others about it, the more you desensitise the issue. Slowly, you begin to normalise the topic and its language.  

Our counsellors can help you with advice on how to improve your sex life.