Counselling for Anxieties / Insecurities

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When it comes to insecurities in intimate relationships, there is no room for political correctness: the fate of an insecure man will be very different to the fate of an insecure woman. Why? Because a woman’s need for security and her expectation for confidence from the opposite sex are far stronger than yours. On the list of expectations, confidence is as high for her as attractiveness on your list of expectations from a woman.

Whether you are dating or in a relationship, a woman will always expect you to demonstrate confidence. Even when she likes how funny or cute you are, keep in mind that in her deepest parts of her subconscious mind, she will expect you to inspire the feeling of security. She would like to know she can rely on you when she feels the extremes of her emotions and particularly when she is raising children. She needs you to remain centred and manage your anxieties effectively so that she can show the softer and more vulnerable sides of herself. These are part of the charm of her femininity that will have magic power in attracting you as a man. The more she is able to show vulnerability, the more likely you are to bring forth your strong and protective masculine sides.

Yes, not exactly politically correct, but true for most men and women.


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What are the signs of your insecurities?

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Insecurities may show themselves in one of these two ways: Avoidance or aggression.

Avoidance type:
During dating, you avoid taking initiative or taking the lead. While in a relationship, you avoid saying what you want or need. You focus mostly on what matters to her and you want badly to win her approval. Conflicts provoke anxiety and you try to avoid them. You hide your flaws and you get defensive in the face of signs of disapproval. You come across as confused, indecisive, and as lacking a backbone.

Aggressive type: Relationship difficulties may provoke a feeling of helplessness in you, because you lack the skills to communicate what you need or feel and to negotiate assertively during conflicts. When your needs are not met, you feel frustrated and powerless. Tension builds up in your body to the point of explosion. When you hear her demands and complaints, you may experience shame and inadequacies. Failure to regulate the emotional distress may make you act aggressively, which only further distances you from your partner and reduces the chance that your needs be met.

How do insecurities affect your relationship?

While dating, your insecurity could be a turn-off for a woman . Even when she seems tolerant and understanding, you need to be watchful. Deep inside, she may resent how you do not meet her primal need for security. This is how it is for most women, based on evolutionary theories of psychology. In a committed relationship, your insecurities may stop you from being fully yourself. Fearing rejection, disapproval and abandonment, you may sacrifice things that used to be very important for you before your committed relationship: hobbies, relationships with certain people, and in some cases even relationships with family members. The ultimate price you are paying, is your authenticity. What you really want and need for yourself is being suppressed. Instead, you focus on how to please her. You avoid conflict and confrontation at all cost because they create panic in you. The panic of losing her, of break-up. By not taking care of your own wants and needs, you gradually lose respect towards yourself. Now, the woman feels so powerful that she controls many aspects of your life.
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And does she like it? You may think so, but below the surface she resents it. She doesn’t like herself taking the role of the ‘bitch’ and she doesn’t appreciate you as the man.

Cultivate self awareness

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For success in your intimate relationship, it is important to address your insecurities, doubts or anxieties. Your personal growth will begin with self awareness – to really know your ‘demons’ and how they affect you.
Let’s look at some of them.

Fear of rejection and abandonment – this fear can be debilitating. The threat is of social isolation. It goes deep to our basic need for connection. This fear can be particularly strong if a man has a history of ‘attachment trauma’, where he suffered some form of loss, neglect or abandonment in the early relations with his mother.

Fear of shame – men too often invest in hiding their ‘secrets’ and vulnerabilities. Close relationships may expose parts of yourself which you have been trying to suppress or hide. Partners naturally give us feedback and complain when something feels wrong for them. If your inner critic is very active, you may easily feel judged and confronted. No one can see our inadequacies as well as our partners.

Fear of losing oneself – a man with higher dependency needs may risk being engulfed by the relationship. His partner could potentially have the same power as his controlling mother. WIthout a proper sense of identity and maturity, this man is so afraid he is losing his voice that he may constantly bicker with his partner.

Fear of losing control over your life – intimate relationships require compromises and ongoing consideration towards the need of another person. You sacrifice the freedom to move and act as you want, you share your space and your finances. You will need to continuously negotiate.

If you have any of these issues, help is available. Check out our relationship counsellors, who are highly experienced in helping people improve their relationships.